The Style Invitational Week 874 Stat us
Saturday, June 19, 2010; C02
Apple martini Slurpees and some sort of
glop that appeared to be muskrat with ziti. Late New Year's resolution: Never
accept a dinner invite from Lady Gaga again!
For the three of you out
there who aren't yet familiar with Facebook: Everyone with a Facebook account
can post a "status line" -- basically a short announcement that's
broadcast to the person's "friends" who see it on their "news feed." Facebook users often use their status lines to
say what they're doing today, what they just did, when they'll be away from
home in case any burglars are reading this, etc. But many people also use their
status lines for various wry observations and words of (dubious) wisdom: One of
the most off-the-wall Facebook pundits is our own Bob Staake, who entertains
his 2,442 friends with such pronouncements as "A riding lawnmower: One of
50,000 household items that can't be wrapped in a tortilla -- easily, I
mean."
Bob is so enamored of
Facebook that he offers this week's contest: Write a funny Facebook status line
-- anywhere up to 420 characters (or 30 words, to be safe if you don't want to
count) but far shorter passages are welcome -- that incorporates at least seven
of the 50 words and phrases listed below, as in Bob's example above. You may
make the word plural or change its tense, and may also change capitalization.
You don't get ink just for fitting in dozens of words on the list; you get ink
for being funny and clever. You don't have to use your line as your Facebook
status, or even have a Facebook account, but if you do, both the Empress and
Bob will be happy to accept your friend request.
The words: glop; rash; Lady Gaga;
swerve; tapas; BP; ginormous; museum; dental; frisky; wireless; infomercial;
asparagus; tuba; goalie; hyperventilate; pineapple; squishy; projectile;
dinner; tea bag; harpsichord; Cuisinart; New Yorker cartoon; Metro; muskrat;
vacation; Lindsay; strewn; ziti; zit; Secretariat; Tupperware; apple;
escalator; trophy; Slurpee; effete; acid-free; parental control; venison;
fastball; martini; status; otter; bicuspid; Fenty; anagram; chronic; Santa.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an idiotic little
diorama consisting of a cardboard presidential desk at which sits an egg-shaped
stone. It is called Prez BaRock. Ho ho! Passed along by
Style's Christian Hettinger.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per
week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312.
Deadline is Monday, June 28. Put "Week 874" in the subject line of
your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal
address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of
humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be
published July 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The
Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's
results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's
honorable-mentions subhead was sent by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte.
Report from Week 870, in which we printed a list of phrases that were entries for the Week
865 Googlenope contest (i.e., they couldn't be found on Google at the time) and
asked you to provide question that the 'nopes might answer:
The winner of the Inker
A. "Tattoos your mom
will love":
Q. Daddy, what are you going
to get me during your next custody weekend? (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
2. the
winner of the Obama bobbletorso:
A. "The ruly and
gruntled mob"
Q. What was the benefit of
secondhand smoke at the NORML rally? (Cheryl Davis, Arlington)
3. "Larry
King workout DVD":
What includes the
segments "Pulling Up Your Suspenders,"
"Tossing Softball Questions" and "Tying the Knot"? (Chris
Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
4. "E. Coli Puns":
Which distinguished gentleman
escorted Sam and Ella to the Bad Word play? (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)
Quiz Nos: Honorable Mentions
-- "The ruly and gruntled mob":
What do they become when you
slip Valium into their tea bags? (Russell Beland)
How would you describe the
crowd reacting to PBS's cancellation of "Bill Moyers' Journal"? (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
What's the nickname for the
Canadian Mafia? (Randy Lee, Burke)
-- "Dick Cheney at his cuddliest":
What do you call a guy who
shoots you in the face? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Drew
Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
What will the former veep's
tombstone say? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
In terms of warm fuzzies,
what ranks between wolverine attack and holistic colonoscopy? (Russell Beland)
-- "Tattoos your mom will love":
What are your med school
diploma and law degree engraved on your biceps? (Dudley
Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
What include "If you can
read this, you're too close"? (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt)
-- "More awesome than a meal of road-kill
possum":
What did West Virginia reject
as its state motto in favor of "Montani Semper Liberi"? (Pam Sweeney;
Kevin Dopart, Washington)
What's a meal of road-kill
possum with a side of armadillo on the half-shell? (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
What was the reaction of Bill
Clinton to his first taste of British cuisine at Oxford? (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
-- "My condolence card to Bernie Madoff":
What's that origami middle
finger? (Mark Richardson, Washington)
"Adoptive
Grandparents' Day!" Come on, is there ANYTHING Hallmark doesn't have a product for?
(Russell Beland)
-- "A Luddite visionary":
Who invented the steam
calculator? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
What do the more gracious
Apple partisans call Bill Gates? (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
-- "Tildes, umlauts and schwas":
What did Victor Borge save
for his randier late-night shows? (Leighanne Mazure, Forest
Hills, N.Y.)
What on the menu tips you off
that this might not be a very authentic Chinese restaurant? (Mike Peck,
Alexandria)
What law firm should you
contact if you have been diacritically injured? (Mike Gips, Bethesda)
-- "Avoid these potty training missteps":
What article advises parents
not to teach toddlers the mnemonic "First you sit, then you . . ."
(Cheryl Davis)
What advice includes not to tell your child, "If you don't give the Poop Monster
his pound, he'll come and take it out of you?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
What did Gov. Schwarzenegger
tell his chief of protocol while planning a big gala? (Randy Lee)
-- "Larry King workout DVD":
What is "Sweating With the Oldie"? (Lawrence McGuire)
Where, for once, might you
hear Larry King say something that could make someone sweat? (Kevin Dopart)
Next Week: Remarquees, or Nutflix